Tuesday, May 09, 2006

more hellish musings

For those of you that were wondering, I did make it through the day, though Allen is still here and my Mom is still spilling double-speak: “stand up for yourself’ and “you’re just going to have to humor him.“ Bollocks.

I tried to go to bed last night about 1, and I swear Mom and him tried to talk as loud as they could until 3 or so, and I kept hearing their voices over and over. He even had the nerve to suggest to her that I was schizophrenic! Se denies hearing this, but I’m quite certain I did

They finally went to bed and it was finally quiet enough to sleep, so I slept. I woke up around 7 and for one brief moment everything seemed okay, very quiet, but okay. Then I looked to my left and saw the numerous bends on my blinds and heard Allen snoring through the wall, and I realized things were just as crappy as when I last paid attention to them last night.

Why can't he just move out once and for all? I mean, he supposedly has some place to stay (an apartment he barely can afford) but all his mail comes here, and he thinks he can just come in and dominate over everything and everyone like he's been here all the time. Why can't I just get a better job and move out too? To my own space. An actual place of my own that I don't have to worry about people trying to peer in.

'Cause that's what he does. Listens through the walls, tries to figure out what I do "in there."

I spend a lot of time in my room. This room is my bunker, my solace from everything else "out there." I control what happens in here, and for some reason, that's too much for him. He can't just stay out, leave me alone, and let me be whoever I am. And them Mom joins in the chorus thinking that there is a way to get along with a terrorist such as him.

The worst part, even worse than his impromptu schizophrenia diagnosis, is he tried to turn me stating rightfully that he doesn't do anything for Mom and Dad into me complaining that our parents were a burden! That pisses me off even more. How dare him! After all I have to put up with here that he avoids, how dare he even suggest that!

So after work, I met up with Kevin and went to Greensboro. I was too depressed to be here. When I got back, he had been out too. Apparently, for all of his need to supposedly be home, he left when Mom went to work in the afternoon and didn’t come back until well after I got home, leaving Dad here all by his lonesome until Mom got home. So much for the heartfelt homecoming.

I realize all this ”brotherly love” is a buzzkill, but this is my only reliable outlet.