Tuesday, January 23, 2007

a year of spam

Note from Steve: I got this email from my friend Sonya. It cracked me up!


  • I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
  • Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
  • I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
  • I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
  • I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
  • I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
  • I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
  • Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  • Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  • I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
  • I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
  • I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
  • And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
  • I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
  • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  • I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
  • I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
  • I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.
  • I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike
  • I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
  • Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
  • Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
  • And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
  • Oh, and I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

  • If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

  • A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!


  1. That was hillarious! I've gotten so much spam recently, and that sums it up. My aunt sent me the killer toilet-seat spider back in August.

  2. Goes to show you that you can't always believe what yoiu read :-)

  3. Very good! I've seen this before..but is funny still and yet.

    On the serious side though, long before email(yeah I remember the days ;)...I was taught by my mother to rinse off cans (drink, veggie, fruit or otherwise) before opening for the reason given here. It's nasty to think about, but it is true...even in today's world, rats do exist and they do relieve themselves on top of whatever they are on. They do live in grocery wearhouses and back lots...and can come in contact with our food and it's packaging from time to time.. (no matter how upscale the shopping center is) muddy

  4. Muddy: I usually try to wipe my bottles and cans if i can. As they say, we don't know wherre those things have been ;-)

    D: LOL :-)

    I'm sorry I've been scarce lately. Just a little too busy. I’ll be back to normal soon.

    I trust that you're doing okay, and I hope to have time to actually visit you over at Boondoggled sometime soon.