Jolanda Jones, the third person voted off "Survivor: Palau," from the website for her failed 2003 bid for Houston City Council.
It's sad to say this, but I saw my first ever episode of "Survivor" last night on CBS. I was at my grandfather's place and he had it on. This turned out to be a repeat of the first episode of "Survivor: Palau," where twenty contestants try to survive in the wilds of a Pacific island paradise. With cameras, of course.
I've generally avoided reality television because I think there's very little real about it. True to my original hypothesis, the whole thing was about as real as Cheez-Wiz. To it's credit, at least Cheez-Wiz tastes good. The whole ordeal of this first episode left a bad taste in my mouth.
From the comfort of a yacht in the episode I saw, host Jeff Probst announces the first challenge before the 20 contestants have even reached shore in their rowboat. With a mile to go, the first man and first woman to reach shore win immunity. Also waiting for them is a map to water and two machetes.
With that, he sets their rowboat on fire. Ian and Jolanda win immunity by getting to shore fastest.
Believe it or not, it gets worse. After swimming to shore, the group makes camp, finds water, and even traps a wily bag of shoes. The group's street clothes (?) turn to tatters on cue in the wilderness, leaving Coby, the token homosexual, in an improvised pink sarong with a high split (??) and leaving Jolanda, the black lawyer, without her inexplicable high heels, which were broken in an attempt to apparently make the people seem even more stupid. Stilettos have steel shanks these days, dumbasses.
Quality television so far, huh?
Fast forward to Day 2: Jeff Probst opens the polls. Ian and Jolanda are team captains who will in turn pick one person each, who in turn picks another and so on. Last two left are going home: Wanda, an older lady who made it a point of singing on the boat ride over and, surprisingly, Jonathan, a blond, blue-eyed white guy (?). Jolanda's tribe is called Ulong, Ian's is Koror, both replete with classy "Survivor" logo scarves. Give me a break!
The first tribal immunity challenge is a jungle obstacle course/boat race. First team who finishes wins immunity, plus whatever heavy crates (fire-making tools, flour and rice, two empty water canisters, a tarp) they drag with them. A team could win empty-handed or lose with everything.
The young guns of Ulong fall behind when Jolanda wants to them to carry as much as possible. Ulong falls further behind when members end up paddling off course. Koror wins in a yawner, taking the immunity idol, the fire-making tools and a map to a new tribal site.
That turns out to be a hollow victory as Koror manages to flip its boat en route to its new home, losing the fire-making tools. So much for brains over brawn.
Meanwhile, Ulong quickly selects two scapegoats: Angie, because her tattooed presence isn't contributing much; and Jolanda, she of the strong personality. But at tribal council, the final vote in this blue state is 6-3, sending Jolanda packing.
I want my hour back!
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