southernosity

• Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
• Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
• Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of"yonder."
• Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going totown,be back directly."
• Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle ofthe table
• All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
• Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for aneighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
• Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
• Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
• No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
• A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
• Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do"queues,"we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
• Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
• Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
• Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
• Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectlywonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoesare not a breakfast food.
• When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
• Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
• And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! (Elderwise?)

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a longtime, ya'll need a sign to hang on y'all's front porch that reads, "I ain't from around here but I got here as fast as I could."

Bless your hearts, y'all have a blessed day.

Thanks to Faye Doughty for sending this to me.