funny-ass quote of the day | july 6, 2005

This is from Sarah Godfrey of The Washington Post's review of "TP.3 Reloaded.," the latest album from R&B loverman/teenage golden showers fan R. Kelly.

Kelly's sick knack for comparing a woman's anatomy to inanimate objects and his ability to make even the most everyday tasks seem tawdry remains unmatched.

"In the Kitchen" is a sultry little ditty that includes a water-drip sound effect (a leaky faucet, perhaps?) and depicts "cuttin' up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables, and potatoes" as foreplay. The dirty talk of "Put My T-Shirt On" soils the common white cotton tee beyond a point where even bleach can save it, and "Remote Control" includes plenty of talk of sexual button-pushing, including pleas to hit "Rewind" and, more curiously, "Fast Forward."

"Sex Weed" is perhaps the most hilarious, lewd metaphoric turn of Kelly's career. It appeared that Kelly had reached the pinnacle of bad taste by comparing women to Jeeps on 1995's "You Remind Me of Something." But "Weed" wins out by likening lovemaking to smoking marijuana with lines like "Baby I'm about to go up in smoke, 'cause your sex weed ain't no joke," over a creaking, seesawing beat.