Saturday, December 17, 2005

No, Really, You Shouldn't Have

Why clothes make a terrible gift.

By Amanda Fortini

Deep in the darkest recesses of every closet, there lies a stack of neglected holiday clothes. Not the festive, sequined numbers women don for the office Christmas party. I'm talking about garments acquired during holiday gift exchanges, presents received with forced smiles and feigned exclamations only to be shoved to the uppermost shelf. These are the neckties decorated with golf balls or Christmas trees, the frumpy sweaters with arts-and-craftsy appliqués—all the items that never looked right, never fit, and never quite got returned. Despite the ubiquity of such clothing graveyards, deluded holiday shoppers insist on buying ties and sweaters for their loved ones, forgetting (or worse, not caring) that they will likely go unworn. This year, please abstain: Clothing is the gift that's impossible to get right.

Clothing, after all, is chiefly a matter of taste. It's true that givers buying any gift must consider the recipient's preferences: Is it Anita Shreve my grandmother reads or Nicholas Sparks? Still, there's a loose consensus about which books and CDs are worthwhile. And if you're selecting precious stones for a woman, diamonds are generally a safe bet. When it comes to clothing, however, there are no such universals. Further complicating matters, a person's cultural likes and dislikes often come up in conversation, but few people broadcast their sartorial idiosyncrasies, as such matters can seem shallow or banal. A person might think, say, that the color red washes her out, or she might suffer from a rare allergy. One Christmas, for instance—in a moment PETA-types might call poetic justice—my mother received a fox fur coat only to end up with a case of boil-like hives.

Most people, when confronted with the minor hurdle of another person's taste, feel the safest way to clear it is to rely on their own. If I like this, the thinking goes, they should, too. But this tack, which we'll call wishful gifting, is not always benevolent. It's most often practiced by those selecting gifts for their significant others. Women see an opportunity to overhaul their boyfriend's or husband's ratty wardrobe. ("Resist. No one should let another person dress them," reads one article written by a henpecked giftee.) Men, on the other hand, often buy items that are shorter, tighter, or lacier than their lady friends would ever buy for themselves. (Pardon the descent into gender stereotypes; the sociology of gift giving is not a nuanced topic.)

Then there's the problem of subtext. A gift of clothing comments not only on what a person likes, or what the giver thinks they'll like, but also on what he or she looks like. To give clothing is to make known, quite concretely, your perception of someone else's size. If the giftee is a woman, proceed with caution. Buying clothing blindly is like purchasing furniture for a house without first taking measurements. In fact, the analogy may be too apt—select a garment on the large side, and a house is what the receiver may feel she resembles. But purchasing on the lower end of the spectrum also has its pitfalls: Does a too-tiny garment mean you think she's overweight? An Internet article advises solving the sizing problem by going on "a shopping trip with the intended recipient," a plan that is realistic only if the intended recipient is your child. The article further suggests "dresses without a definite waistline," and helpfully explains that "waistlines that have elastic or are otherwise adjustable can also span two or more size ranges." Because of course nothing says "I love you" like an elasticized waistband. Finally, if you're buying for a man, scratch all of the above. Scale up, and avoid items labeled "small," even if he, well, is.

Receiving clothing as a gift thus requires a peculiar act of performance art. Here is an item that you wouldn't be caught dead in, that would, in all likelihood, only fit an Olsen twin, and yet you're obliged to pretend you adore it. During one recent Christmas, I opened a gift from my mother to find a nightshirt printed with an image of dancing books and the sentence "A Booklover Never Sleeps Alone." (It had been a chaotic year; she had clearly done her shopping at Hallmark, likely 12 hours earlier.) I wanted to respond, "If she wears this nightgown she certainly does," but I refrained, smiled, and announced, "I LOVE it!" while my sisters gazed on in sympathetic horror. Even more vexing than this game of make-believe is the inevitable clamor to "Try it on!" Who wants to model ill-fitting garb in the company of others? The whole spectacle is so exhausting that the mere sight of those flat, oblong boxes instills dread.

Post-performance, there is just one question: to return or not to return? In the age of the gift receipt, most people opt for the former. Indeed, returns are now so common that gifts of clothing have effectively become very bulky gift certificates. Why not save everyone some trouble and just offer the gift certificate itself? Plus, that pesky little receipt creates all sorts of snares for the giver. Not to include one is dubious and gauche: The receiver will suspect that you've disguised a TJ Maxx item in a Bergdorf Goodman box or that you've regifted an undesirable article. And if you purchase the item on sale, you're sure to be found out. A friend set out to return a weird cloth headband given to her by her boyfriend's mother, thinking that, at the least, she'd exchange it for some socks. As it happened, the most she could have gotten was a pack of gum.

Of course, there are a few people who can give clothing as a gift—those avatars of taste who effortlessly channel the sensibilities of others. This type can tie an Hermes scarf and knows what color flower suits every occasion. You know who you are. The rest of us, however, would be wise to stick to books, CDs, electronics, or foods-of-the-month.

Why, then, do we persist in giving clothing? It seems, at the very least, a practical choice: Everybody has to get dressed, so there's little risk of buying an unnecessary present. Yet those things that are truly practical—socks, underwear, anything worn often—most people prefer to choose for themselves. Then there are the procrastinators, who see a clothing purchase as quick and easy: Who doesn't want J. Crew's latest take on the gray merino sweater? Such laziness encapsulates the real problem with gifts of clothing, whether offered by disorganized mothers or size-guesstimating boyfriends. As the saying goes, it's the thought that counts, and too often, when clothing is bestowed, precious little thinking has occurred.

7 comments:

  1. >>Does a too-tiny garment mean you think she's overweight?

    This statement makes absolutely no sense...if I bought someone a too-tiny garment, that would imply I am completely oblivious to the fact that person has packed on a pound or ten. Did the author really mean "underweight?" That question just does not compute! Unless, I suppose, the purchasing of the offending garment that is waaayy too small is a rash implication that the receiver OUGHT to be the size of the gifted garment? But who would really do that?

    ~Carrie =)

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  2. I don't really understand how a person could live with another person for a while and not have a clue what size they are, but there are a lot of them, mostly men.

    We estimate, we try to find somebody working in the store that's the same size (we hope) as our wife/girlfriend/mother/sister and we hope like hell the giftee won't figure out we're doofuses.

    That's how.

    I sidestepped the issue entirely and gave Mom a kitchen torch and Angie a gift certificate :-)

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  3. My mother in law is the worst at this. She asked me today what to get the kids (and also meaning us as well). I said a few times in this conversation that they were FINE clothes wise and to not go in that direction. I told her they were teenagers, and reminded her how much teens enjoy having some extra cash to spend, especially around Christmas. My MIL is famous for buying all of us some clothing that is aweful, doesnt fit and is not our style. My Sister in Law does the same thing (and I think her car only drives to Old Navy) How many times after our Christmas gatherings with my husband's family have we had to spend a half of day returning clothes that they thought were perfect....yet were too little/too ugly/too something to wear. Gift Cards/Cash...at least then we can skip the exchange line and just pick something we really could use. Thankfully my family doesnt exchange gifts anymore beyond with my mom..and my mom for the most part just gives each of us a card with money in it.

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  4. Oh yeah, and when she gives these clothes...she is looking at our faces for looks of enjoyment...or not. I remember after my daughters first birthday, she told my husband , her son...that I must not have liked the clothes (the ugly clothes I add) that she gave Hannah because I didnt act all excited as I looked at them. No I didnt like them-but I also did not recall having a scowl on my face at the same time either. I never had had to put on an act before..and well honestly at that particular time was just trying to keep my then one year old from eating the paper....but quickly learned to do the act of pretending to "love" the gift...even if it made my head spin. It isnt fair to be made to act like you like something, when it is awful. I am not unappreciative-just wish that she understand a bit more.

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  5. Man, that sucks. Does your MIL honestly believe that any old thing she picks up at tha mall will elicit that oh-so-perfect response?

    The last time my parents gave me clothes was in '96. I asked for black workboots (Timberland-like) and some wide leg-jeans. Since Mom worked at a department store at the time, I was pretty sure she could ask somebody at work what I meant if I wasn't clear enough.

    Mom and Dad proceed to the feed store (I kid you not) and buy me black farming boots with green piping and a pair of Wrangler Cowboy Cut Jeans! What they were thinking, I'll never know.

    Anyway, I had a less than enthusiastic response to the "agricultural review" and since my parents are loathe to return anything (and wouldn't let me have the recipt) the stuff just hung around the house for a few years, until somebody gave it to Goodwill.

    Needless to say, I just asked for cash after that. :-)

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  6. My husband and I always have tension about this during Christmas. The problem is, I always want clothes. I love new clothes and that is what I wish I could get for Christmas. He wont buy me clothes since he bought me a sweater that went down to my knees that managed to make my belly look pregnant, my butt look huge and my chest look tiny 6 years ago. No problem, I think, get me a gift card. He feels that is a cop out though, so I get some strange presents that I have no use for. I know he means well, but I wish he'd just buy the gift card. On the other hand, my dad, who I have seen only once since I was nine, bought me a beautiful shirt that is just my size and style, and a lovely cream sweater that is very flattering for Christmas this year. How he did it I have no idea. Although, his wife who is only four years older than me was probably an asset.

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  7. Definately having a wife with a young perspective helped in your dad's gift choice. I usually get dispatched for all the children's and young men's gifts around here.

    Rather than get you another weird gift that you don't want, your husband should get the gift card like you said. I got an email from Nordstrom that suggested virtual gift cards that you can use online or in-store. I'm going to forward you the email and maybe you can place it in your hubby's inbox to drop a not-so-subtle hint. ;-)

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