friends don't let friends wear K-Swiss

If I may rant about something that’s already very well covered in this blog – shoes – I’d like to take a moment to ask the general public a question: why are K-Swiss brand sneakers are so popular?

I’m not talking about the classic circa 1966 tennis model, which is iconic (and was worn by just about every cute girl in my middle school when they weren’t rocking the Sebago Campsides). No, I’m talking about the funky, severely dated “I can’t believe they’re not Sketchers” models that inexplicably anchor the shelves every bad sneaker store, particularly at my local mall, Valley View.

Admittedly, I am a sneaker snob. My collection is large but it’s edited down to pairs that are either well designed, comfortable, or at least match my gear (you should see the looks when I’ve got my Green Bay Packers ensemble with matching Nike Terminators on).

And I don’t have a ‘thing’ against white sneakers, even in the winter. I used to, because I used to be the height I am now (6’-3”) with the same size feet (13) and was 135 pounds. When you’re skinny and rocking the all white Nike Driving Force hi-tops circa 1990, as I was, you, like me, would look like a Q-Tip. Luckily, now I’ve grown into my feet and head and don’t look so out of proportion and that really is the key on the white-on whites as opposed to other sneaker colors.

Which leads me to my original point. The modern K-Swiss models are horrible! It’s like the soles on these things are a foot thick and the uppers are largely devoid of ornamentation, except for the occasional splash of “bling” provided by faux silver and gold accents. Veeery Claaaassy! I’ll take a lot of things on sneakers but metallics and platform soles are just sad.

I could see these awful design features being selling points a half-decade ago, when it was all about the Frankenstein look in footwear. Girls wore platforms on every shoe, even platform flip-flops for chrissakes! Guys wore tractor tire loafers and boots, always with a square toe to emphasize the gawkiness of the design. They didn’t seem so bad at the time, but the other day I went into Marshalls and saw them trying to get rid of some of these monstrosities and realized how silly this crap looks in retrospect.

Steve Madden should be taken out into the street and flogged with his own awful footwear. He started this garbage and everyone else followed. If the crowd has any energy left after that, they should pummel the folks from GBX and Sketchers, too.

But fashion, finally, has moved on and traditionally styled shoes are all the rage…unless you’re near me. For some reason if you’re within a 50 mile radius of Steve-land, and not Steve, someone will lead you to thinking that giant K-Swiss, coupled with the requisite stem to stern Tommy Hilfiger ensemble complete with jean carpenter shorts (shudders) is still rockin’.

I got curious about these awful shoes one day. I went to a Rack Room Shoes store in a town where nobody knew me and decided I would try on some “phat“ K-Swiss. I tried to make it as scientific as possible by trying on several pairs to see if any of them were any good.

They totally suck! They’re heavy for their size, they’re not designed very well (my feet looked like glaciers), and on top of all that, they weren’t remotely comfortable or even affordable. Put five more dollars to your average pair and you can get a pair of shell-top Adidas (or Stan Smiths), or some Nike Air Force 1s, or at least a sensible cross-trainer from New Balance. Any of those choices either looks or feels better than the shitty K-Swiss.

Also, I thought that the point behind sneakers was that, if pressed, you could possibly use them for an athletic activity. What athletic activity do you use a K-Swiss platform Franken-shoe for? Competitive eating? World Poker Championships? Is wearing a Corona visor backwards while hollering to your cousin now sanctioned by the NCAA?

So why the hell would anyone buy these? I think I know the answer, at least for the guys: I think our wives and girlfriends are buying this crap and telling us it’s cool! Since most guys shop for clothes solely on the basis of need and could care less about what’s the latest style, we take them and go on. It’s bound to be the answer.

No guy would consciously go pick out something to wear on his feet that looks like a shoe for a 12 year old girl without being nudged by the missus, who thinks it’s cute for both halves of the couple to have matching outfits down to the sneakers. It is cool, mind you, if you’re in love with that person and if the sneakers don’t look like ASS!

The prospect of getting laid for wearing (or doing) something that’s questionable by yourself is never far from the average guy’s mind. I know when I was trying on mine at the aforementioned Rack Room, the cutest salesgirl in the store came up to me and told me “those look really hot on you.”

Now, I love salespeople, especially female salespeople, but I can tell when I’m getting a snowjob. There was like half a wall of these Franken-shoes behind me and even if I thought buying these shoes was going to get me some trim, I would have had to fight her husband to get it, as she was wearing a wedding ring. I left rather disappointed.

I have a theory: maybe K-Swiss is using some sort of mind-control devices in their ugliest sneakers. Think about it: tiny little transmitters subliminally telling redneck and ghetto girls “Buy more Franken-shoes. Buy them for yourself. Buy them for your families. Get everyone a pair of Franken-shoes”

After they buy the god-awful things for the whole Clampett family, the second set of transmitters kicks in and whispers ”Never clean these Franken-shoes. Get them really dirty on the bottom and sides. Come to the mall in packs wearing your Hilfiger and Franken-shoes, but don’t buy sneaker cleaner.”

Okay, so maybe my transmitter theory is washed up. But so are these K-Swiss!

If you know someone with the problems described above, do the world a favor and get them to a reputable shoe store! While there, make sure they never reach for anything remotely Franken-shoe like, which means kindly lead them away form the K-Swiss display for their own good. Do not let them leave until they’ve bought something people in 2005 find fashionable, even if it’s flip-flops.

Once you have the Franken-shoes out of arms’ reach, have the salesperson throw them away; in the incinerator if at all possible. No need of passing those on to charity, that just starts the cycle again.

My point to this rant; with so much choices out here when it comes to footwear, people deserve better than this awful “welcome to 1999” crap that we’re subjected to look at. If you know an offender, help them; if you are the offender, seek fashion help! Or just call me. I brought it up. I can be your Sneaker Rehab Therapist.