got stink?

So what’s got a bee in my bonnet today? Not shoes, not race; today it’s funk. Not the musical kind either, the body odor kind.

We as humans are going to stink sometimes. Every animal stinks in fact. Of course, with us being intelligent animals we’re supposed to conquer our funk, and generally speaking as a species we do. But for every person who fights back BO, there’s at least two or three who don’t. These are the funky people.

To illustrate my point, let me take you on a bus trip. As frequent visitors to Steve-land know, I take a lot of bus trips, mostly to New York, but to other places as well like Orioles games, and recently to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Most of the trips I go on are dominated by old ladies, and even after a day of shopping outside, the bus usually smells decent if not spectacular, even in hot weather. Contrast this with the baseball trips, which are dominated by middle-aged men. You may not be able to see major differences beyond the obvious, but you sure as hell can smell them.

There are a lot of nasty-smelling dudes over 40, folks. They’re not always the ones who look dirty either. Some of the best dressed older guys I know will neglect to properly use a washcloth on a regular basis. It’s not immediately obvious, but as soon as they lean in to talk to you, the funk flies. Bad breath, funky arms; a real salty, musty, sour milk smell. And they stand there like it’s no big deal, like it’s their God given right to stink.

Before you think I’m being self-righteous, I have to admit, I used to be stinky too. When you’re little and smell like shit, your mom can force you to go take your bath, powder up and smell like a human again. But once you reach the age of 12 or so, Mom doesn’t follow your washing habits as close, and she trusts you to do the right thing in the bathroom, which invariably, no 12 year old boy does. Thus, the stink begins.

Middle schools, especially after gym class, will knock you over in their pubescent funkiness. It’s a rough time. Hair is growing, the voice is dropping, all the freshness you took for granted is replaced with lots of stink. Until the hormones start raging for girlfriends, most boys will smell like ass and will be proud of it.

That’s what broke me. When I realized girls didn’t care for the funk, I started engaging in some serious personal hygiene. Trying to hide the stink under a cloud of cologne never worked anyway.

Most of us will do pretty decent in the hygiene department until we either a) get out of high school or b) get married. After high school comes college, and if you’re in a dorm and somewhat broke like I was, most of those good old habits become pretty costly and you let yourself go to save money for beer, er, study aids. Usually after the first college romance comes along, things recover again, but the boys’ freshman dorm experience won’t have you calling Chanel trying to get someone to bottle the essence for purchase.

After you marry is the other drop-off point I mentioned, and that’s a critical one. This is the one where both sexes are equally at fault. Up until now, girls, as always, have had the upper hand on the hygiene, because girls like stuff that smells good and will try to smell like good things…until they land their man.

It’s more than just the smell of course, people gain weight and stop fixing up, but scent is one of the main ways you can tell how long a person has been married. At first, married couples are still trying to impress, then the kids come and they start smelling like ass because they’re busy chasing the rugrats around. Things rebound somewhat after the kids are a little older for the ladies, but the guys become funky yet again, and it worsens with age.

Usually the missus will try to get a handle on the husband-funk, and you’ll see them staking out the fragrance counters at your local department store, hoping to come up with something that will make their hobbies smell less like a gorilla in heat. Hubby, of course is sitting on the bench outside the mall entrance, ogling young women and hoping this episode will end soon enough that he can see the kickoff and coin toss on TV at home.

Despite her best efforts, he never really warms up to the concept of fragrance and frustration sets in, followed by indifference. He in turn passes his indifference on to the kids and the circle is unbroken.

So how do we stop the funk cycle? It’s not difficult, but it’s not easy either.

The first art of the equation is education. Parents, help your young kids establish good hygiene habits early. Let them use cologne and appearance products appropriate for their age, but also tell them that it’s no substitute for soap and water, just a supplement.

Teenagers: Mom is not just nagging you to hear herself talk. For goodness sake, wash yourself! Daily! If you’re into sports or really sweaty, wash more! Use lotions and fragrances to cut down on the funk and please, set those dirty clothes in the hamper and stinky sneakers outside. Nobody needs that nastiness.

Parents of college-age boys: Send cologne, soap and detergent. With instructions. Always. You’ll thank me later.

Adult Men: see instructions for Teenagers. Never hurts to review :-)

Married Women: I don’t care how hard it is to get him to focus, involve your husband in the fragrance buying decision. If he doesn’t like it, he won’t wear it, no matter how much it costs. A good idea. Pick out several scents you like at your local retailer, purchase them, let him smell them in the privacy of home (when it’s not game day, very important) and take back the ones he doesn’t like.

Thanks for reading, now I’m going to go take a bath and go to bed.