What's Up With Mullets?

By Ryan Murphy

Take a trip to your local fairground this summer and you're bound to see a hopeless hillbilly sporting a mullet, the '80s tonsorial style that refuses to go away. Short on top and long in the back, the mullet is affectionately known as "the achy breaky bad mistakey" after its pioneer and patron saint, Billy Ray Cyrus.

While times have changed, man's affinity for these hideous Camaro Cuts unfortunately has not, as evidenced by the mullitude of mullet-dedicated sites on the Internet.

Apart from hockey playoffs and losing a bet, what is it that drives men to voluntarily have their hair shaped like a squirrel pelt? To understand the mullet, you first must understand its history and its many questionable incarnations.

According to lore, the mullet derives its name from the mullet fish, a dull, freshwater creature with an enormous flat head. The men who went in pursuit of these fish typically grew their hair long in the back, in order to keep their necks warm and dry on blustery days. The trend inexplicably spread, marking the first and last time fishermen have been allowed to dictate fashion mores.

These days, the mullet is closely associated with NASCAR, inbreeding, pickup trucks with gun racks, and other general signs of the decline of Western Civilization.

Whether you refer to it as an Ape Drape, a Missouri Compromise or a Mud Flap, there's no denying the many varieties of mullets. Below are some of the most popular versions.

The Classic Mullet
Also known as the Kentucky Waterfall, the Classic Mullet has been a must for hillbilly fashion plates for multiple generations. Over the years, the torch has been passed from heartthrobs like John Stamos and MacGyver, to superstar Mel Gibson and his very own "Lethal Mullet." The Classic Mullet is best accessorized with a barely-there mustache, a pair of Zubaz pants and a dozen screaming children of dubious genetic origin.

The Rattail Mullet
Neither here nor there, the Rattail Mullet is the ideal hairstyle for those who have trouble committing. Wearers of this hideously unkempt style are typically sanitation engineers, junior high school custodians or 11-year-old boys named Tucker.

The Femullet
Sadly, mullets aren't strictly the domain of men anymore. Back in the '80s, field hockey-loving "women" like k.d. lang adopted the hairstyle, opting to keep their long-flowing locks of hair while bidding adieu to their bangs. These days, the Femullet is quickly replacing the rainbow flag as the official sign of lesbian sisterhood around the globe.

The Feather Mullet
Short on top and fulsome and light in the back, the Feather Mullet is the most elaborate of all mullet varieties. Wearers of this fashion tend to be watchers rather than doers, more often than not considering their hair dryer to be the second most important item in their lives after their Camaros.

The Hair Band Mullet
Once upon a time, mullets were actually mainstream. Rockers like Bon Jovi, Poison and Van Halen wouldn't have dreamed of going onstage if the back of their hair wasn't disproportionately longer than the front. With time came new fashions, however, and the Hair Band Mullet is now as obsolete as "totally bitchin'" synthesizer solos.

The Arkansas Mullet
While similar to the Classic Mullet, the wearer of an Arkansas Mullet is unlikely to have more than two teeth, three brain cells and a grade four education. Although friendly and forthcoming, these mulleteers tend to have the mental agility of a shingle.

The Mullatino
Also known as the Meximullet, the Mullatino is any variety of mullet worn by a person of Latin descent. While the Mullatino's history is doubtlessly as rich and layered as the hairstyle itself, the fashion only gained true national prominence in 1989 thanks to the lovely locks of Saved by the Bell's A.C. Slater. The Mullatino proves once and for all that Latinos can be rednecks too.

The Permullet
The preferred hairstyle of '80s icon Michael Bolton, the Permullet is a mullet that has been treated with a curl-inducing perm. Wearers of the Permullet tend to be sensitive and vain, and are just as likely to write you a power ballad as they are to proposition your underage sister.

The Mullhawk
A relative newcomer on the mullet scene, the Mullhawk is the ungodly pairing of a mullet and a mohawk. Wearers of the Mullhawk can typically be seen destroying public property and hurting small animals wherever punk music is being played. Unlike wearers of the Permullet, this breed of mulleteer in not to be toyed with.

The Skullet
The granddaddy of them all, the Skullet is a hairstyle for aging mulleteers still desperately clinging to their hillbilly roots. Unlike other mullets, the Skullet features no hair on the top and, more often than not, a hideous Steven Seagal-style ponytail in the back; think of it as the redneck equivalent of a comb-over. Celebrity practitioners of the Skullet include Hulk Hogan, rocker David Crosby and watermelon-crushing comedian Gallagher. In general, Skullet wearers are just as likely to hit you up for a shot of Metamucil as they are for a pinch of Skoal.

The Virgin Mullet
Something of a redundancy, the Virgin Mullet is any variety of the hairstyle sported by a sexually-unfulfilled individual. Wearers of the Virgin Mullet tend to be quiet, shrinking violets who spend an inordinate amount of time locked in the washroom with their sister's Victoria's Secret catalog.

The Business Mullet
More so than any other variety of the haircut, the Business Mullet exemplifies the spirit of "business in the front, party in the back." Wearers of this style find themselves in the envious position of being able to relate both to powerbrokers from one perspective, and janitors and McDonald's counter staff from the other. Business Mullets can be found in any large southern city where pork futures are discussed with keen interest.

The Crappy Movie Mullet
Whether it's Patrick Swayze in Road House or Jean-Claude Van Damme in any of his films, the mullet has a long and sordid cinematic history. Even superstars like Brad Pitt have gotten into the mix when Hollywood has come calling. Every now and again, however, mullets actually pop up in decent flicks, like Adam Sandler's 'do in The Wedding Singer.

The Jedi Mullet
From Mark Hamill's Luke Skywalker to Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan, the future is full of dreadful haircuts. Apparently the Dark Side won after all.

let your hair down
Hair today, gone tomorrow? Not when it comes to mullets. So long as cousins are allowed to marry and trailer parks continue to flourish, the vaunted Tennessee Top Hat will never go out of style. Hair's looking at you.

Resources:
www.yourdictionary.com
www.mulletsgalore.com
www.mulletlovers.com
www.infohip.com