If the Shoe Fits, Please Wear It

JANET GILBERT
The View from Ellicott City

People have gotten way too casual with their feet.

In movie theaters, I’ve seen people slip off a shoe in order to tuck one foot underneath themselves and settle into a seat. This happens routinely on airplanes, in school auditoriums, and during long commutes, too. I’ve even witnessed this in fancy playhouses and restaurants.

Friends, pardon me, but WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Would you remove your blouse? Your slacks? Shoes, too, are an essential part of your outfit, and moreover, they are covering up your unsavory toes and those hairy little knuckles!

Can we agree that the rule is: leave your shoes on in public places, or at least whenever you are among people unrelated to you? I did not make up this rule; it has been widely circulated on the “No shoes/No service” signs in eating establishments across the United States since the Industrial Revolution. Our culture says we mean business when we wear shoes. And if we want to reflect our playful personalities in public, we have more than enough whimsical shoe styles from which to choose, including embellished flip-flops, sequined sandals, and neon high-top sneakers!

Whatever you do, just keep your shoes on. Because when you remove them, you stand a good chance of releasing an “Eau de Toe” that is objectionable to the rest of us.

And do not tell me that you “hope you don’t mind if I get comfortable,” while you are unlacing or unbuckling your shoes. Because, thanks to the Planet Janet Foot Offensive, I will spring into action in one of the following ways.

I will “toe tag” you with a scented automotive air freshener tree! Because even “new car scent” is preferable to what is wafting from your socks!

I will take out a purse-size hair spray and begin vigorously spraying and lifting my locks high into the land of John Waters, taking care to aim a good amount of the overspray your way. This is a disagreeable habit that matches public shoe removal on the Planet Janet scale.

I will ask if I can try on your shoes. This is especially effective when the request is made of someone of the opposite sex. Almost always, the person will immediately slip his or her shoes back on and make a quick exit.

Finally, I can always use the Planet Janet travel kit, now available for only $29.95 plus shipping and handling! I simply excuse myself to the restroom, and take out what looks remarkably like an ordinary container of mints.

Surprise! Inside is a plastic set of one-size-fits-all discolored, misshapen dentures. Just insert the dentures, return to your seat, and wait until the shoeless seatmate is looking your way. Then, remove the yellowed dentures, and set them in a prominent place, such as the tray table on an airplane or the armrest/soda holder in a movie theater. Wait.

I must credit my late Great-grandfather Datz with the removable denture idea. One of my earliest childhood memories is of him coming to dinner when I was three or four years old. When the other adults weren’t paying attention, he would smile at me and suddenly “drop” his false teeth in his mouth, pushing them out with his tongue, then quickly snapping them back into place. I can replay this scene in my mind, the fascination and horror, wanting to see it again and again, while at the same time wanting to run far, far away.

But my point is, in less than five minutes, the ghost of Great-grandpa Datz guarantees that your shoeless seatmate will elect to move! Victory! Or, he or she might actually be so bold as to ask if you could please put the dentures away. This is your cue to say, “Sure, as soon as you put your shoes back on.”