It's odd how things are sometimes. I post everyday and I have these emotions that bubble to the surface from time to time and into posts, but still the amount of personal information I offer on here really isn't that much.
I found this out first-hand when I posted about the tax course that I'm going to take and the second job that I've decided to for on Friday. Carrie asked if things were going okay and I responded back to her this afternoon.
I guess you could say that things are good and bad at the same time. What seemed like a great job has deteriorated over the past two years to the point that I'm just phoning it in these days, and because I work for such a shitty company, it's been nearly impossible to find something to move on to try to fix my life a little.
Still, I am hopeful. If there's anything that's kept me going over the years, through mountains of adversity, is the belief that all people are essentially good and if you try hard enough with folks that good things will happen. I have a lot of faith in myself and in humanity, though the latter gives out sporadically, and the former needs some reinforcement from time to time.
What does all of this have to do with today? It's simple. After I had to explain to Carrie what was up, I felt this feeling of guilt all day, really unexplainable as her question wasn't probing or nosy, but I realized that I've never told you guys anything about that part of my life. Sad to say, if I hadn't been prompted, I probably never would have.
I like to think of myself as open with no secrets, but I guess I got issues like everybody else. It took me writing it out to realize how crippling that they can be sometime. I simply was not ready to deal with the elephant in the middle of the room, and frankly, I'm not sure what to do other than find something else to do for a while so that I can release myself from my job and embark onto something better. There's no use negotiating for an improved version of what I have, because it doesn't make me happy anymore.
I really never did figure it out myself. Assumed you didn't want to divulge the details for fear of revealing your secret double life as a homeland security internet mole.
ReplyDeleteoops.
No, it's nothing like that. :-)
ReplyDeleteI just try to avoid the unpleasantness in life if I can, that's all. I hate to make it seem like I'm whining and bitching.
It's good to vent, but I haven't really been able to do much about my job situation at all. Knowing this, it was my decision to not discuss it ad anuseum on here.
I struggle with how much I want to say about myself on my blog or online as well. I think it comes from not wanting to complain, but also just not sure how much of myself I wanted to expose to folks that might read my blog that I do not know. (It is the internet afterall). I struggle with not wanting to be boastful or taking myself too seriously...But things said often find a common chord among those we know...and it helps to lessen the burden when we have good friends that listen and can help us carry it from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI think your postings a have a good balance of openness and mystery. I love your modesty, because a lot of times, God does work through us and most people either take it for granted or want to claim the credit solely for themselves.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest regret with talking about my job that I was harboring is that in my head, it sounded like a stupid story that nobody would want to hear. Thankfully, by exposing what I'm up against and having people believe me and not laugh at it, I feel better about it. Knowing that people care is a good thing.
Hang in there Steve! Blogging=therapy, and there's no point having a "therapist" if you're not gonna spill your troubles.
ReplyDeleteI hate sounding like I'm whining on my blog, but really I need that catharsis, and I always tell myself if people find it all that irritating, they can just cease to read it. Let 'er rip! It's good for ya!
One of these days I'm going to buy a rifle for that elephant in the middle of my room...I'm sick and damn tired of hanging my coat on its trunk, feeding it peanuts, and trying to coax it out the door....
~Carrie =)
Thanks Carrie :-)
ReplyDeleteTo me, you don't seem to be whining. It's more like you're telling it like it is. It's refershing to read, empowering, and entertaining.
I'm trying to get to that point too, though it seems like I'm only slowly making progress at times. That's why pulling out the elephant gun is a good thing.